Wednesday, 5 August 2009

An apocolyptic childhood.

My childhood wasn’t an easy one. As soon as I was out of the womb, my dad insisted on giving me questions, asking me to name myself and asking what sex I was. Honestly, doesn’t the crotch give it away? I told them I was a girl, which seemed to get a positive response. I was hoping if I was wrong, one of the talented doctors would point this out to everyone. Since I got to choose my own name, I chose Banana Hammock. I was in a playful mood and thought the parents would laugh it off and called me Agatha or something. No such luck. This name seems to fit me perfectly. I don’t think they like me much.
Next on the agenda, seeing what the baby will look like when all grown up. Note to self: When I do grow up, remind hospitals that shoving monitors into baby’s faces and making them choose their future appearance really doesn’t help. Though I did find out one thing; my dad’s a little on the insane side. My future self will be a Caucasian female, sporting a green Mohican, and I apparently look ‘just like my daddy’. What did mum see in him?! Speaking of whom, after all the festivities, something happened to her and I was wheeled off into the back. I guess I must have fallen off the crash-cart or something, since I just saw a white light and voices around me, only recognising my dimwit of a father’s.
When I came to, it was a year later and I was in what I presume to be my room with the father. He was in my playpen telling me to walk to him. I saw a toy box so got a little distracted. After jumping up onto the chair, leaping into the box, picking up my favourite teddy and going to show it to the dad, he was only impressed with the walking. The jumping didn’t do anything for you then did it daddy dearest? What about my attempt to read? Ok, all I managed to do was gurgle a bit, but that’s more you can do, standing there with your constant, mindless clapping. After I had a little play, I managed to circle strafe to daddy (another talent going un-noticed) and got told I walk like a pro. Seriously? People have contests for this stuff? Sign me up!
Thankfully, dad left, giving me some peace and quiet. I had a strange urge to have another go at reading that book. Soon after, dad came back. I tried telling him I’d read the book, looking for a little recognition for my reading at the age of one. He was only interested in how I got out of the pen. You didn’t even lock it! It wasn’t that hard! Apparently, I made a friend while I was unconscious, because dad wanted to make me go play. Trying to get rid of me already, eh? I followed, but only because the toys here had lost their appeal, though I did take my ball with me. I must have tripped over or something, since the second I turned the corner, I blacked out again, and heard the same voices as before, as well as a few children’s voices.
This time, it was 9 years later, and it was apparently my birthday. Someone told some Stanley guy that my unconsciousness was due to the bright lights. Hey, that’s the same excuse my dad used 9 years ago! I smell a conspiracy! Though I saw cake, so all was well. Getting to the cake was a bit of a hassle. People kept trying to talk to me. I did get given a ‘pop-boy’ or something, which I’ll have a play with later. The Overseer walked away before I could ask him how I could get Pong on this thing, and it was my dad’s turn to tell me how proud he was. I wonder if he’ll tell me I’m a pro at walking again.
Amata was asking if I’d been surprised. I wanted to tell her ‘Of course I was! I’ve been in a coma for 9 years! Who are you people!?’ but I couldn’t find the right words. After she’d left, I started playing with the Jukebox, but couldn’t get any Slayer on. What a crappy party! Everyone was standing around, and I’d almost forgotten about the cake until the robot shouted. I ran over, plate at the ready for the first morsel of food I’d ever eaten. I’d expected a party in my mouth, but a much better one than in this crummy place. Sadly, I never got a chance to sample the delicious cake as the damned robot destroyed it in an attempt to cut it. Note to self: Install Vista onto him later.
Some old lady gave me a sweet roll as a present. Now, I’m not one to challenge the elderly, but a sweet roll? I could pick this up at the vault shop for a single cap! Some present. I humoured her, and smiled it off, with a hatred towards everyone here, when I was stopped by another kid. The robot had bothered him as well it seems. Before I could set up an alliance against the robot, he demanded my sweet roll off me. I’d had my cake taken from me, I wasn’t about to let this food go to waste as well. I hadn’t eaten in the 10 years I’d been alive! I said something or other about his mother, and he went nuts! I’d ran away for a good while and no-one thought to stop him before he actually hit me. Twice. I hope this place gets infected by bugs or something. Amata made some God-awful pun about Butch’s name and walked off. I should kill her. Or her dad actually, since he’s really putting a downer on this party.
My dad apparently had a surprise for me, so after stealing all the plate, glasses and hats to sell on later, I followed him. I don’t like my father, but I’d rather be with him than at that ‘party’. On my way out, some strange woman stopped to give me a poem as a present. I think I like Old Lady Palmer more now. At least she got me an actual present instead of a note of paper. That’s all I got from her as well. ‘One poem per birthday. What would Butch say if I gave you two?’ I wanted to tell her I think he’d laugh at me for getting two, but she walked off before I could retort. I ran off hurriedly to meet Jonas downstairs, who told me to wait for my father. Why? It’s not his birthday. I stood in the corner wondering what the surprise could be. I hope it’s cake. Stupid robot.
It’s a BB Gun! I asked who I could kill, since I really had my eye set on that robot. Apparently it’s not a toy and could do some harm. I showed him how responsible I could be by shooting him in his dumb face. See? Not even blinded! Reluctantly, I followed him to the target range. After all, my party with all the other ‘victims’ was the other way. After some mediocre target practice, a giant bug walked in! Apparently this is routine, so I shot it in the face. 1. 2. 3. 4 shots to kill it? What a crappy gun. I’m never going to kill the overseer at this rate. ‘That’s one less Radroach to deal with’ was my dad’s response. Does he not know how much bugs reproduce? What a dumbarse. Dad wanted a picture to capture the moment with. They never asked me for my opinion. Maybe I don’t want to be seen with this oaf, but I joined in. I knew I shouldn’t have, since the flash knocked me unconscious again.
Six years older and I was with my dad again. He’s a doctor?! That explains the lab coat. But how did someone so stupid get this job? We’re all doomed. He was telling me I have to take some test, and apparently I was faking an illness. Does he not know what a coma is? Some doctor.
On my way to the text, I saw Amata being ganged up on by Butch and his gang. Now, I don’t like Amata (I still remember that crappy party) but it seemed a good excuse to use my BB Gun. I got into a fight with Butch again, but then realised that someone had taken my gun off me. Bastards!
Though it did only take a few punches to knock him down. Not that the teacher inside the classroom opposite seemed to mind me beating the snot out of Butch. I like this guy. Looking like we’d bonded, I asked if he could take my test for me, using my 16 year old body to appeal to him. Success! I hope I get this guy to teach all my classes. College should be a breeze. I ran out the class, telling everyone else to ‘Go suck it!’ Karma hates me, as the second I contemplated finding out where that stupid robot hangs out, I fainted again. Damn good thing I’d already done the test.
This time, the coma only lasted for three years, and I awoke to find Amata next to my bed. I tried to remember if I’d been to a party last night. After all, college is a time for experimentation.
Seems she’d come in and woke me up to tell me my dad had ran off. I wanted to tell her I didn’t care, but she still wanted me to go and find him outside the vault. I didn’t know such a thing was possible, otherwise I would have ran out while I was still a kid. Jonas was killed as well apparently. After asking who did it, I got told it didn’t matter right now. On the contrary, finding who killed the guy who gave me my first weapon was pretty high on my list of things to do. After telling Amata what she wanted to hear, I left.
Apparently, leaving this place is frowned upon, as guards were searching for me everywhere. Even those bugs managed to get in. If my dad was still here, I could have said “Ha, told you so”, but I just took a mental note to rub it in his face later. Speaking of Radroaches, Butch’s mum was being attacked by some. I said I’d help, but really wanted an excuse to ‘miss.’ Sadly, that’s all I did as every shot hit a roach. I need to work on my aiming.
Upstairs, I saw the robot and a guard who’d been at my party fighting off some roaches. Apparently the robot had a flamethrower. Thank God I never actually went to harm him. More running and I found the overseer. Amata ran off before I could ask her how to take the safety off the gun she gave me. I really didn’t like the overseer. As I caught up with her, she thanked me for not killing her father. It would be a bit weird if I told her I was about to, but needed help in doing it, so I left it and instead concentrated on getting the door to the office open. The key was apparently ‘hidden’ in the overseer’s room in some drawers. Do these people not know about security?
After opening the office, I had to hack the computer to open some door. Having never used a computer in my life, I looked through The Overseer’s stuff for things to steal. In a cupboard was the password for the terminal. To answer my previous question, no. Upon entering the code, I made it to the door below and opened the door to outside. After saying my goodbye’s to Amata, I walked outside the vault.
And that’s where my story ends. I write this in a hotel in a town called Megaton. The escape happened yesterday, and I’m told my father went to Galaxy News Radio, which for some reason is having transmission difficulties recently. I have a bad feeling about this, so I’m going to stay here and help a shopkeeper on that book of hers.

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