Tuesday, 27 July 2010

If I say No Deal will you leave?

What's that mum?  You want Channel 4 on?  Alright, but I want you to be sure.  I've checked what's on and I think you might want to reconsider.  Wait, what?  You do know what those words mean, right?  You want to watch-..Ok, I'm going to go ahead and pretend I'm adopted for the next half hour or so.  Fine, we'll watch Deal or No Deal, but I'm not happy with you.  Just let me compose myself first.

4:10pm:  Oh God, it's that damn song.  Are you happy, mother?!  I'm already regretting your decision.
4:11pm:  JESUS!  What's that?!  Who?  Noel?  Huh, what a strange man.
4:13pm: Why are the audience still clapping?  Are those actually people or just robots designed to clap endlessly?  I honestly can't tell.
4:15pm:  So we've seen the contestant for a full minute and I already want her to stop breathing.  Why is she laughing at everything?  That's not funny.  STOP ENCOURAGING NOEL!  HE'LL ONLY CARRY ON!
4:16pm:  Finally, they've picked the first box.  Wow, only the first box? It feels like a year since I turned this on. 
4:16:30pm:  HA!  The Gods have failed you!  Have I ever told you I love the colour red?
4: 17pm:  Ok, so the largest number has been eliminated.  Can we stop watching now?  Why are you looking at me like that? 
4:19pm:  Oh, we get to see the rest of the people there.  Because that's what I wanted to see, the people who didn't make it through today.
4:20pm:  Ok, laughing at Noel I can understand.  I like you a little bit more.  Keep doing that.
4:21:30pm:  Stop laughing!  It wasn't that funny!
4:22pm:  So I'm back to not liking you again.  Congratulations.
4:23pm: Adverts?  Goodie!  Freedom!  I've never been happier to see people shouting at me telling me to buy insurance for things.
4:27pm:  On no, we're back.  I miss people shouting at me.
4:30pm:  So apparently picking the 1p box is the greatest achievement in the history of mankind. 
4:31pm:  Why are they still clapping and cheering?  It's not their money.
4:33pm:  Now she picked a red and they start clapping again.  This game has stopped making sense.
4:35pm:  Why are people offering encouragement?  I'd be happy to leave that place with at least £100. 
4:36pm:  Actually, I'd just be happy to leave that place.  I'd take a lot to get me there in the first place actually.  Maybe some sort of kidnapping.
4:44pm:  Why is she crying and talking about her family and debts.  Wasn't this a 'happy' program 20 seconds ago.
4:45pm: Oh good, more nervous laughter.  I missed that noise.
4:50pm:  "Stand up if you would gamble."  Yes, because the audience matter.  Those clapping robots have a totally unbiased view on this, you know with them taking home some of the money themselves.  What's that?  They don't?  Then what's the point of this?!
4:51pm:  So she's basing her decision to win or lose a bit of money on a load of people who stood up.  What a great decision maker.
4:53pm:  Everyone cheer!  She's slightly richer than she was before!  This is a big part of your life and you should show it!
4:56pm:  Thanks mum, I didn't need those brain cells after all.  Whats next?  ...Come Dine With Me?!  I'll be over here with this noose.  Pay me no attention.