Sunday, 23 August 2009

The facts of life.

- If you’re going to be away from your PC for a weekend with only your laptop, remember to back up your music collection.

- The adverts on the free version of Spotify are VERY annoying.

- Re-learning a year long module is anything but fun.

- I should have revised more the first time around.

- If I fail tomorrow's resit I'm going to cry.

- In no way, will I blame blogging instead of revising.

Tuesday, 18 August 2009

The Chronicles of Banana Hammock

And here I thought helping out with this book would be easy. Instead of writing, I’m some sort of research assistant. What I thought was going to be a quiet existence has turned into a load of collection and exploration quests. Getting irradiated, crippling myself, and testing a (very bad) Molerat repellent is how I spend my days now. And for what? All to help out that damned trader. Moira started off with standard requests, such as going to the supermarket and picking up some food, but now that we’ve nearly finished the Survival Guide she’s writing, the requests are getting more and more ridiculous. For instance, I’m on my way to Rivet City to find out how the place got started. To put it another way, I’m spending my afternoon walking around a ship, asking people how they turned this place into a town. I wish I said no to the guide. I wish I could settle down somewhere in this hell-hole and wait for my time to die. Dukov has the right idea. He has girls, and he has lots of booze. If I didn’t find him so repulsive, I might actually offer to stay and ‘help out’. At least then I wouldn’t be walking through this wasteland all day every day, performing menial jobs for everyone I walk past.
I’ve disarmed a 200 year old bomb. I’ve fixed a leaky water plant. I’ve saved a kid from giant fire-breathing ants and found him a new place to live. And what do I have to show for it? A couple hundred bottle caps and some bobble heads in my house, if you can call it that. Every now and then, I hear a news-story about myself through the static on Galaxy News Radio, but they’re still having trouble with the reception. I’ll follow in my dad’s footsteps soon enough to see what the problem is if this place doesn’t liven up a bit. Though that does mean walking through the city, not that the odd Super Mutant wouldn’t be a problem. They go down pretty easily, but from what I’ve heard, they’re everywhere, and I don’t think my sniper rifle is up to the task just yet. I miss the old days, when the biggest risk to the vault was a Radroach infestation. There’s all sort of weird creatures out here, which people are willing to let me go face for them. For instance, today I’ve came across Radroaches, Molerats, a Super Mutant, and a Deathclaw, all to help research for a book.
All this wandering, and yet I’ve still not answered the important questions. How is there still electricity? How have these cardboard boxes lasted 200 years of weathering? Why does it never rain?

Tuesday, 11 August 2009

To whom it may concern.

Dear spider,
I know you've been there a while. I looked up randomly to see you quite happily sitting (hanging?) on my ceiling, content with your recent catch of two miscellaneous insects. It is with this reasoning that I know you didn't come in through the window and position yourself next to the toilet, as my original thought would have been. Instead I know you made the whole wall and a half journey to sit next to the toilet bowl. Now, I don't have a problem with you being here. I'm quite willing to share out my ceiling/wall space during these cold nights and would hate to be blamed for you going cold.
My main gripe is this: Were they really big eyes coming out of your front, or just really small legs?
If it's the former, my mind switches to the realisation that you climbed down and positioned yourself in the optimal position for watching me pee. This may not be the case, as I'm sure you'll probably be pretty embarrased by having to watch me pee as well, but one does wonder. My privacy is important to me, but I wouldn't want to sabotage our living arrangements just because of a misunderstanding. Maybe there was a juicy fly I was missing out on. Or you just fancied a change of scenery and all this is a horrible coincidence.
Either way, I hope we can resolve this soon, and go back to before.
Yours,
Ryan.

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

An apocolyptic childhood.

My childhood wasn’t an easy one. As soon as I was out of the womb, my dad insisted on giving me questions, asking me to name myself and asking what sex I was. Honestly, doesn’t the crotch give it away? I told them I was a girl, which seemed to get a positive response. I was hoping if I was wrong, one of the talented doctors would point this out to everyone. Since I got to choose my own name, I chose Banana Hammock. I was in a playful mood and thought the parents would laugh it off and called me Agatha or something. No such luck. This name seems to fit me perfectly. I don’t think they like me much.
Next on the agenda, seeing what the baby will look like when all grown up. Note to self: When I do grow up, remind hospitals that shoving monitors into baby’s faces and making them choose their future appearance really doesn’t help. Though I did find out one thing; my dad’s a little on the insane side. My future self will be a Caucasian female, sporting a green Mohican, and I apparently look ‘just like my daddy’. What did mum see in him?! Speaking of whom, after all the festivities, something happened to her and I was wheeled off into the back. I guess I must have fallen off the crash-cart or something, since I just saw a white light and voices around me, only recognising my dimwit of a father’s.
When I came to, it was a year later and I was in what I presume to be my room with the father. He was in my playpen telling me to walk to him. I saw a toy box so got a little distracted. After jumping up onto the chair, leaping into the box, picking up my favourite teddy and going to show it to the dad, he was only impressed with the walking. The jumping didn’t do anything for you then did it daddy dearest? What about my attempt to read? Ok, all I managed to do was gurgle a bit, but that’s more you can do, standing there with your constant, mindless clapping. After I had a little play, I managed to circle strafe to daddy (another talent going un-noticed) and got told I walk like a pro. Seriously? People have contests for this stuff? Sign me up!
Thankfully, dad left, giving me some peace and quiet. I had a strange urge to have another go at reading that book. Soon after, dad came back. I tried telling him I’d read the book, looking for a little recognition for my reading at the age of one. He was only interested in how I got out of the pen. You didn’t even lock it! It wasn’t that hard! Apparently, I made a friend while I was unconscious, because dad wanted to make me go play. Trying to get rid of me already, eh? I followed, but only because the toys here had lost their appeal, though I did take my ball with me. I must have tripped over or something, since the second I turned the corner, I blacked out again, and heard the same voices as before, as well as a few children’s voices.
This time, it was 9 years later, and it was apparently my birthday. Someone told some Stanley guy that my unconsciousness was due to the bright lights. Hey, that’s the same excuse my dad used 9 years ago! I smell a conspiracy! Though I saw cake, so all was well. Getting to the cake was a bit of a hassle. People kept trying to talk to me. I did get given a ‘pop-boy’ or something, which I’ll have a play with later. The Overseer walked away before I could ask him how I could get Pong on this thing, and it was my dad’s turn to tell me how proud he was. I wonder if he’ll tell me I’m a pro at walking again.
Amata was asking if I’d been surprised. I wanted to tell her ‘Of course I was! I’ve been in a coma for 9 years! Who are you people!?’ but I couldn’t find the right words. After she’d left, I started playing with the Jukebox, but couldn’t get any Slayer on. What a crappy party! Everyone was standing around, and I’d almost forgotten about the cake until the robot shouted. I ran over, plate at the ready for the first morsel of food I’d ever eaten. I’d expected a party in my mouth, but a much better one than in this crummy place. Sadly, I never got a chance to sample the delicious cake as the damned robot destroyed it in an attempt to cut it. Note to self: Install Vista onto him later.
Some old lady gave me a sweet roll as a present. Now, I’m not one to challenge the elderly, but a sweet roll? I could pick this up at the vault shop for a single cap! Some present. I humoured her, and smiled it off, with a hatred towards everyone here, when I was stopped by another kid. The robot had bothered him as well it seems. Before I could set up an alliance against the robot, he demanded my sweet roll off me. I’d had my cake taken from me, I wasn’t about to let this food go to waste as well. I hadn’t eaten in the 10 years I’d been alive! I said something or other about his mother, and he went nuts! I’d ran away for a good while and no-one thought to stop him before he actually hit me. Twice. I hope this place gets infected by bugs or something. Amata made some God-awful pun about Butch’s name and walked off. I should kill her. Or her dad actually, since he’s really putting a downer on this party.
My dad apparently had a surprise for me, so after stealing all the plate, glasses and hats to sell on later, I followed him. I don’t like my father, but I’d rather be with him than at that ‘party’. On my way out, some strange woman stopped to give me a poem as a present. I think I like Old Lady Palmer more now. At least she got me an actual present instead of a note of paper. That’s all I got from her as well. ‘One poem per birthday. What would Butch say if I gave you two?’ I wanted to tell her I think he’d laugh at me for getting two, but she walked off before I could retort. I ran off hurriedly to meet Jonas downstairs, who told me to wait for my father. Why? It’s not his birthday. I stood in the corner wondering what the surprise could be. I hope it’s cake. Stupid robot.
It’s a BB Gun! I asked who I could kill, since I really had my eye set on that robot. Apparently it’s not a toy and could do some harm. I showed him how responsible I could be by shooting him in his dumb face. See? Not even blinded! Reluctantly, I followed him to the target range. After all, my party with all the other ‘victims’ was the other way. After some mediocre target practice, a giant bug walked in! Apparently this is routine, so I shot it in the face. 1. 2. 3. 4 shots to kill it? What a crappy gun. I’m never going to kill the overseer at this rate. ‘That’s one less Radroach to deal with’ was my dad’s response. Does he not know how much bugs reproduce? What a dumbarse. Dad wanted a picture to capture the moment with. They never asked me for my opinion. Maybe I don’t want to be seen with this oaf, but I joined in. I knew I shouldn’t have, since the flash knocked me unconscious again.
Six years older and I was with my dad again. He’s a doctor?! That explains the lab coat. But how did someone so stupid get this job? We’re all doomed. He was telling me I have to take some test, and apparently I was faking an illness. Does he not know what a coma is? Some doctor.
On my way to the text, I saw Amata being ganged up on by Butch and his gang. Now, I don’t like Amata (I still remember that crappy party) but it seemed a good excuse to use my BB Gun. I got into a fight with Butch again, but then realised that someone had taken my gun off me. Bastards!
Though it did only take a few punches to knock him down. Not that the teacher inside the classroom opposite seemed to mind me beating the snot out of Butch. I like this guy. Looking like we’d bonded, I asked if he could take my test for me, using my 16 year old body to appeal to him. Success! I hope I get this guy to teach all my classes. College should be a breeze. I ran out the class, telling everyone else to ‘Go suck it!’ Karma hates me, as the second I contemplated finding out where that stupid robot hangs out, I fainted again. Damn good thing I’d already done the test.
This time, the coma only lasted for three years, and I awoke to find Amata next to my bed. I tried to remember if I’d been to a party last night. After all, college is a time for experimentation.
Seems she’d come in and woke me up to tell me my dad had ran off. I wanted to tell her I didn’t care, but she still wanted me to go and find him outside the vault. I didn’t know such a thing was possible, otherwise I would have ran out while I was still a kid. Jonas was killed as well apparently. After asking who did it, I got told it didn’t matter right now. On the contrary, finding who killed the guy who gave me my first weapon was pretty high on my list of things to do. After telling Amata what she wanted to hear, I left.
Apparently, leaving this place is frowned upon, as guards were searching for me everywhere. Even those bugs managed to get in. If my dad was still here, I could have said “Ha, told you so”, but I just took a mental note to rub it in his face later. Speaking of Radroaches, Butch’s mum was being attacked by some. I said I’d help, but really wanted an excuse to ‘miss.’ Sadly, that’s all I did as every shot hit a roach. I need to work on my aiming.
Upstairs, I saw the robot and a guard who’d been at my party fighting off some roaches. Apparently the robot had a flamethrower. Thank God I never actually went to harm him. More running and I found the overseer. Amata ran off before I could ask her how to take the safety off the gun she gave me. I really didn’t like the overseer. As I caught up with her, she thanked me for not killing her father. It would be a bit weird if I told her I was about to, but needed help in doing it, so I left it and instead concentrated on getting the door to the office open. The key was apparently ‘hidden’ in the overseer’s room in some drawers. Do these people not know about security?
After opening the office, I had to hack the computer to open some door. Having never used a computer in my life, I looked through The Overseer’s stuff for things to steal. In a cupboard was the password for the terminal. To answer my previous question, no. Upon entering the code, I made it to the door below and opened the door to outside. After saying my goodbye’s to Amata, I walked outside the vault.
And that’s where my story ends. I write this in a hotel in a town called Megaton. The escape happened yesterday, and I’m told my father went to Galaxy News Radio, which for some reason is having transmission difficulties recently. I have a bad feeling about this, so I’m going to stay here and help a shopkeeper on that book of hers.