How to survive the zombie apocolype.

We all know it's going to happen. But will you survive? According to totally legit leading sources, which may or may not be movies and video games, no. Apparently only 1% of the human race know what to do in this situation. (According to the internet and how many blog posts are similar to this, it's more like 40%. Good going, internet!) After a good few hours on Left 4 Dead, and a childhood growing up with Resident Evil (sadly, including the films), I'm more than clued up on the facts. Gather round children, it's storytime.

Warriors > Everything.

People like swords. Why? Because you get to hit shit. In a zombie apocolypse, the same rule applies. After seeing your family, friends, or maybe even your favourite goldfish succumb to the wrath of the zombie hordes, it's a lot more satisfying to give the thing a wallop around the head than to stand a few feet away, aim, fire, and probably miss. Melee means no ammo. Melle means no jamming. Melee means punching a zombie in the face. For bonus points, try and get a still breathing friend to take a picture of said act. You can share it with your diminished friends list of Facebook once this has all blown over. If you think this may significantly lower your chances of survival then you may want an ordinary baseball bat or something sharp.

Dibs!

If you see something which may be useful, take it. All those years of adventure games will come in handy. You'll feel like you really were on your way to Monkey Island with all this stuff tucked away in your pants, waiting for the right opportunity to use it. Note: What you take is up to you. This guide cannot be held responsible for you chopping off your love-meat because you had the bright idea to put a knife next to your gonads for safe-keeping.
Go to B&Q or somewhere similar, and ransack the place. You'll be glad you took that lawnmower when you see the zombies gathering around the shop. Plus, that is another chance for an awesome photo.

Screw the carbon footprint.

For some reason, a few people tend to leave their cars along the side of the road when they realise the only bridge out of town has been blocked off. Be the smart one. If it still runs, drive it. You may not be heading out of town due to the aformentioned blockade, but it'll sure give you a ton of weight to mow down the undead with. If you're not old enough to drive, who cares. It's not like the law enforcement left will be bothered about the underage kid driving when there's a creature trying to chew his ear off. On the off chance there is, beat him and pretend you thought he was a zombie.
Also learn how to tap petrol from another car. Most petrol stations will be dried out, but there may still be some juice left in that scrapheap the mother and daughter died in. Don't worry about respect for the dead. They're not using it.

Home sweet hovel.

Stay away from cities. It may seem obvious, but there are a lot of people who'll stay to die where they were born. if you've read this far, hopefully you aren't one of them. Find a way out of town and to a quiet area. Contradictory, many others may have already thought of this, and are seeking refuge in the countryside. In this case, find a quiet part of town, left the undead army follow them, then forget everything I just said and take shelter here. If you want to make it more than a day, you'll need a place to sleep. Find a large building, stay a few floors up, and destroy the stairs. I'm certain you're not in a hurry to leave, so stock up beforehand. If there's someone in your group you think can be 'let go' if you still need food, let him/her runs down to the nearest shop, and devise a system of pulleys, where the food can be placed in a basket and brought up. Don't worry about the friend getting back up. No-one really liked them anyway, right? Watching them scream and jump, attracting 'friendly visitors', might give you something to laugh at in this bland wasteland. Which brings me to my next point:

Entertainment.

Ok, the section title was nothing special, but it fitted with the outing sentence of the previous paragraph. Go English language! With the rest of the world on standby, the internet might be a little boring. 4Chan might be a little repetative, with the zombies incapable of speech or human emotion spouting rubbish incomprehensable to the rest of society. Actually, nothing's really changed on that front. Sure, there may be a few small blogs cropping up telling people of their plights and where the nearest safehouse is, but between saving friends and looking at porn, I doubt many will have enough time to update regularly. Your best bet is to get out a good ol' board game, or if electricity isn't an issue, find a good game to play. Constantly. Though I'd stay away from FPS's. Many of them include some sort of zombie, and you really shouldn't bring your work home with you.

People.

Think of four people. The first four that crop into your head. Done? Good, because they should be the four you travel with. Hopefully you weren't thinking of supermodels, or that girl on the internet who you're pretty sure is a girl, and who really likes that picture of you from 4 years ago, before you got all those spots or got a tattoo on your face. Hopefully you thought of people you can trust, people who are good with weapons, and people you can tolerate for months on end. Stay small, since it's easier to travel. That car you took earlier would get pretty cramped with any more people following you. Stick with these people, and make no attempt to go searching for that partner or mother. Pretend they're dead, and follow the above rules. The second you leave to find your long lost love, you'll get bitten. Then you'll spend your last few minutes questioning whether or not she was really worth it, which kind of brings a downer to the whole relationship.

Hopefully this guide should be nothing you're unfamiliar with. If that's the case, I'll see you when we've found a way to make them our slaves. Hopefully, I'll have all those photos of zombie punching and videos of screaming friends uploaded by then.